It seems the only thing
anybody knows about children is some abstract notion of waking you up
in the middle of the night. “Oh, are you guys getting any sleep ha
ha” is a phrase you will hear millions of times as a new parent
from both childless individuals and perhaps more interestingly, from
couples who raised their own little angels years prior. It's as
though this one particular aspect of parenting is the central, most
important theme of the entire experience. Well, both of our children
slept through the night by 3 months so that left a lot of uncharted
waters to navigate.
With that in mind, I have decided to write
out a few other specifics, to help prepare you for the joy of
parenting. This list is written in good humor, and unlike parenting
itself, by no means exhaustive.
1. You are going to have a
cold for 6 years, maybe longer.
Many of you have already
learned things like “washing your hands after using the restroom”
or “not eating cigarette butts you find on the beach”. As adults,
you walk around puffed with pride from your fastidiously clean house
and hands you could eat off of. A two year old however doesn't fully
comprehend the concept of germs, or personal space, or really any
concepts period, and doesn't understand why you are upset they walked
up and sneezed directly into your tear ducts. I have literally seen a
child pick a quarter up in Newark airport and put it in his mouth,
and when around other children they interact with the closeness and
physicality of dogs in heat. Children will make you sick twice a
month, for about two weeks at a time.
My advice: buy stock in
Kleenax and NyQuil now, fund your own retirement.
2. You
are not going to get anything done.
If you have a job
where you leave home base and travel to another location miles away
to perform your duties, you may disregard this point. If you are a
stay at home parent, or a writer, or sell make believe weight loss
products, or are self employed in any other capacity, get ready.
Children need something every 8 seconds. That email you have been
meaning to write mom? Plan for it to take about 6 hours. Wanted to
read that article you saw on Facebook yesterday? Plan on reading half
of it and then losing it in an endless collection of open tabs.
Imagine you will take your kids to the park? Plan on one of them
being tired and the other, all morning, and you are not going to the
park buddy. Due to the fact that children have needs until 10 minutes
after they are asleep, the only time you will be unoccupied with
these tasks is well after business hours and in the morning some time
around 4:30.
My advice: abandon
all earthly ambitions for the next decade.
3. You will see
yourself in a new light.My mother had a few phrases she would
say to my brother and I growing up, and I'm sure many of you have
heard similar mantras;
“If you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything”.
“Stop playing
with matches”.
“If you track dirt on my floors again I'm going
to put you inside a package and mail you to Africa with the least
expensive shipping method”
Whatever they
were, they were phrases she would use over and over again, in the
same repetitive situations. I of course can't recall doing this
myself as a two year old, but my own does it all the time- I have
heard my son say things word-for-word that I yelled a week prior.
It's really amazing! How, I ask myself, can he not remember that
punching your baby sister in the head is a no no, but as soon as he
does it say loudly “We don't punch baby sister in the head!”?!
How can he know to say “WE DON'T THROW THINGS IN THE HOUSE!”, but
not to resist the urge to hurl a Hess Truck at the glass door? After
a while it gets weird though, and you quickly learn that comments
made about your wife's physique or that fatty in the grocery store
checkout line are best made in private (or not at all). Even if you
think you're good since you or your spouse speak a second language,
beware. There are a lot of international residents here on Saipan,
and they will judge you even more harshly if your two year old knows
how to ask for a cold beer.. in Russian.
My advice: Take a vow
of silence like that kids dad in “The Chosen”.
4. You
will relax your standards.Are you one of those people who
thinks children shouldn't eat cake for breakfast? How about sleeping
in your bed, or running around naked, or taking a nap, or not making
a poopoo on the beach and then burying that little brown treasure for
a boonie dog to uncover later? I've got news for you: you may start
strong. You may have great intentions. You may be a decent,
upstanding member of the community who pays taxes and goes to church,
but when your toddler starts “The Dance” and the nearest potty is
all the way back up at Taco Bell, it's time to dig a hole Mr.
Rogers!
My advice: X don't mark the spot.
5.
Children will do things so incomprehensibly villainous it will risk
collapsing your psyche.A few days ago, I was hitting that
3:00pm low spot. Coffee seemed like a great idea, so I began the
comforting ritual of placing the filter, measuring out the grounds
and the water, prepping my cup with a splash of creamer and a small
spoon, and smiled as the smell of fresh energy began filling my nose.
It finished brewing, I poured, and took that first sip. Perfect.
Moments later, naturally, my months-old daughter began loudly
explaining that her diaper was suddenly full and needed a change
RIGHT THEN so I set my coffee down and tended to her. When I
returned, there in my beloved coffee keeping the spoon company, was a
ballpoint pen of unknown origin and a state of cleanliness that was
dubious at best.
Another time, I dressed them for an outing,
went to dress myself, and returned to find my son happily dumping
dirt and chicken poop over his delighted sisters head, as they sat
together in the flower bed. It's things like this every day, usually
several times a day. Children are evil in ways so creative it will
initially defy explanation (“Son, don't stand on your sisters
head.” “Kids, the kitty doesn't like glue.” “Omg why did you
eat all of my toothpaste”) but it's just because they are taking in
all of the world, head on, at 100 miles an hour. Or as a friend put
it, “Children think outside of the box. Everything is
outside of the box. In fact, there isn't even a box yet”.
My
advice: Love them relentlessly.
Forgive easily, give hugs every chance you get, and
cherish these little adventures because one day you will be nothing
more than a walking ATM or ride to a date at the movies with a guy
that looks like mischief, or a girl who looks like she wants to start
a family tonight. Children are, in spite of the difficulties, just
about the biggest blessing you will ever receive. One other thing my
son repeats back to me is “I love you”, and that friends is what
it's all about.
