It seems the only thing anybody knows about children is some abstract notion of waking you up in the middle of the night. “Oh, are you guys getting any sleep ha ha” is a phrase you will hear millions of times as a new parent from both childless individuals and perhaps more interestingly, from couples who raised their own little angels years prior. It's as though this one particular aspect of parenting is the central, most important theme of the entire experience. Well, both of our children slept through the night by 3 months so that left a lot of uncharted waters to navigate.
With that in mind, I have decided to write out a few other specifics, to help prepare you for the joy of parenting. This list is written in good humor, and unlike parenting itself, by no means exhaustive.
1. You are going to have a cold for 6 years, maybe longer.
Many of you have already learned things like “washing your hands after using the restroom” or “not eating cigarette butts you find on the beach”. As adults, you walk around puffed with pride from your fastidiously clean house and hands you could eat off of. A two year old however doesn't fully comprehend the concept of germs, or personal space, or really any concepts period, and doesn't understand why you are upset they walked up and sneezed directly into your tear ducts. I have literally seen a child pick a quarter up in Newark airport and put it in his mouth, and when around other children they interact with the closeness and physicality of dogs in heat. Children will make you sick twice a month, for about two weeks at a time.
My advice: buy stock in Kleenax and NyQuil now, fund your own retirement.
2. You are not going to get anything done.
If you have a job
where you leave home base and travel to another location miles away
to perform your duties, you may disregard this point. If you are a
stay at home parent, or a writer, or sell make believe weight loss
products, or are self employed in any other capacity, get ready.
Children need something every 8 seconds. That email you have been
meaning to write mom? Plan for it to take about 6 hours. Wanted to
read that article you saw on Facebook yesterday? Plan on reading half
of it and then losing it in an endless collection of open tabs.
Imagine you will take your kids to the park? Plan on one of them
being tired and the other, all morning, and you are not going to the
park buddy. Due to the fact that children have needs until 10 minutes
after they are asleep, the only time you will be unoccupied with
these tasks is well after business hours and in the morning some time
around 4:30.
My advice: abandon
all earthly ambitions for the next decade.
3. You will see
yourself in a new light.My mother had a few phrases she would
say to my brother and I growing up, and I'm sure many of you have
heard similar mantras;
“If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything”.
“If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything”.
“Stop playing
with matches”.
“If you track dirt on my floors again I'm going to put you inside a package and mail you to Africa with the least expensive shipping method”
“If you track dirt on my floors again I'm going to put you inside a package and mail you to Africa with the least expensive shipping method”
Whatever they
were, they were phrases she would use over and over again, in the
same repetitive situations. I of course can't recall doing this
myself as a two year old, but my own does it all the time- I have
heard my son say things word-for-word that I yelled a week prior.
It's really amazing! How, I ask myself, can he not remember that
punching your baby sister in the head is a no no, but as soon as he
does it say loudly “We don't punch baby sister in the head!”?!
How can he know to say “WE DON'T THROW THINGS IN THE HOUSE!”, but
not to resist the urge to hurl a Hess Truck at the glass door? After
a while it gets weird though, and you quickly learn that comments
made about your wife's physique or that fatty in the grocery store
checkout line are best made in private (or not at all). Even if you
think you're good since you or your spouse speak a second language,
beware. There are a lot of international residents here on Saipan,
and they will judge you even more harshly if your two year old knows
how to ask for a cold beer.. in Russian.
My advice: Take a vow of silence like that kids dad in “The Chosen”.
4. You will relax your standards.Are you one of those people who thinks children shouldn't eat cake for breakfast? How about sleeping in your bed, or running around naked, or taking a nap, or not making a poopoo on the beach and then burying that little brown treasure for a boonie dog to uncover later? I've got news for you: you may start strong. You may have great intentions. You may be a decent, upstanding member of the community who pays taxes and goes to church, but when your toddler starts “The Dance” and the nearest potty is all the way back up at Taco Bell, it's time to dig a hole Mr. Rogers!
My advice: X don't mark the spot.
5. Children will do things so incomprehensibly villainous it will risk collapsing your psyche.A few days ago, I was hitting that 3:00pm low spot. Coffee seemed like a great idea, so I began the comforting ritual of placing the filter, measuring out the grounds and the water, prepping my cup with a splash of creamer and a small spoon, and smiled as the smell of fresh energy began filling my nose. It finished brewing, I poured, and took that first sip. Perfect. Moments later, naturally, my months-old daughter began loudly explaining that her diaper was suddenly full and needed a change RIGHT THEN so I set my coffee down and tended to her. When I returned, there in my beloved coffee keeping the spoon company, was a ballpoint pen of unknown origin and a state of cleanliness that was dubious at best.
Another time, I dressed them for an outing, went to dress myself, and returned to find my son happily dumping dirt and chicken poop over his delighted sisters head, as they sat together in the flower bed. It's things like this every day, usually several times a day. Children are evil in ways so creative it will initially defy explanation (“Son, don't stand on your sisters head.” “Kids, the kitty doesn't like glue.” “Omg why did you eat all of my toothpaste”) but it's just because they are taking in all of the world, head on, at 100 miles an hour. Or as a friend put it, “Children think outside of the box. Everything is outside of the box. In fact, there isn't even a box yet”.
My advice: Love them relentlessly.
Forgive easily, give hugs every chance you get, and cherish these little adventures because one day you will be nothing more than a walking ATM or ride to a date at the movies with a guy that looks like mischief, or a girl who looks like she wants to start a family tonight. Children are, in spite of the difficulties, just about the biggest blessing you will ever receive. One other thing my son repeats back to me is “I love you”, and that friends is what it's all about.
My advice: Take a vow of silence like that kids dad in “The Chosen”.
4. You will relax your standards.Are you one of those people who thinks children shouldn't eat cake for breakfast? How about sleeping in your bed, or running around naked, or taking a nap, or not making a poopoo on the beach and then burying that little brown treasure for a boonie dog to uncover later? I've got news for you: you may start strong. You may have great intentions. You may be a decent, upstanding member of the community who pays taxes and goes to church, but when your toddler starts “The Dance” and the nearest potty is all the way back up at Taco Bell, it's time to dig a hole Mr. Rogers!
My advice: X don't mark the spot.
5. Children will do things so incomprehensibly villainous it will risk collapsing your psyche.A few days ago, I was hitting that 3:00pm low spot. Coffee seemed like a great idea, so I began the comforting ritual of placing the filter, measuring out the grounds and the water, prepping my cup with a splash of creamer and a small spoon, and smiled as the smell of fresh energy began filling my nose. It finished brewing, I poured, and took that first sip. Perfect. Moments later, naturally, my months-old daughter began loudly explaining that her diaper was suddenly full and needed a change RIGHT THEN so I set my coffee down and tended to her. When I returned, there in my beloved coffee keeping the spoon company, was a ballpoint pen of unknown origin and a state of cleanliness that was dubious at best.
Another time, I dressed them for an outing, went to dress myself, and returned to find my son happily dumping dirt and chicken poop over his delighted sisters head, as they sat together in the flower bed. It's things like this every day, usually several times a day. Children are evil in ways so creative it will initially defy explanation (“Son, don't stand on your sisters head.” “Kids, the kitty doesn't like glue.” “Omg why did you eat all of my toothpaste”) but it's just because they are taking in all of the world, head on, at 100 miles an hour. Or as a friend put it, “Children think outside of the box. Everything is outside of the box. In fact, there isn't even a box yet”.
My advice: Love them relentlessly.
Forgive easily, give hugs every chance you get, and cherish these little adventures because one day you will be nothing more than a walking ATM or ride to a date at the movies with a guy that looks like mischief, or a girl who looks like she wants to start a family tonight. Children are, in spite of the difficulties, just about the biggest blessing you will ever receive. One other thing my son repeats back to me is “I love you”, and that friends is what it's all about.
